EM JAY says...

She's learning how to drown

Posts tagged personal

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I waited at the bus stop on my way home from work for at least 15 minutes last night. It was late and I was tired and I was doing some dhikr.

At one point I noticed three women walking up to the bus stop with one of them holding her little girl’s hand. The daughter was no older than 3 or 4, a real cutie masha’Allah.

I continued with my dhikr and with each bead click, they came closer. I kept watching the girl mentally comparing her to her mum. Her mum was very light-skinned, probably mixed race but I couldn’t be sure. The girl was darker (I’d hazard a guess that her pops is black) and had the same long curly hair as her mum but black instead of brown. I marveled at how alike her and her mother were. You know, in that slightly strange way where you go, ‘Ah she’s got her mum’s nose and eyes. I wonder if she looks more like her dad.’ Random silly things like that.

I kept watching the group, not staring, just observing and what should happen?

The little girl’s eyes meet mine and she begins to smile as if she recognises me. I defo don’t know the kid but her face splits into the biggest grin and she starts waving at me.

I honestly felt so happy in that moment. I grinned and waved back silently. The mum’s friends looked at me confused, then looked at the girl and laughed. The group walked past and the little girl skipped a little. With her free hand, she grasped the open hand of her mum’s friend.

And that’s it.

I thought to myself the little girl must do this a lot: smile and wave at strangers like we’re her good friends. It was wonderful and sweet and perfectly lovely having this tiny jug of innocence, brimming with genuine happiness, acknowledge my existence.

In the grand scheme of things, it was (seemingly) insignificant. One kid waves at an adult and makes them smile. No big deal. No news flash needed. But in the course of my whole day - my whole week so far, even - this remains vivid.

I’m only writing this now to preserve the memory of what happened; I can reread it some other day, maybe when I’m feeling down, and remember how God manifests His Beauty in the most mundane things.

It truly is the small stuff that counts.


Filed under personal random ramblings 3am thoughts alhamdulillah

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Sometimes it’s easier to keep everyone at bay than to try and explain the sadness, frustration, the utter disappointment.

Just push everyone and everything out. Keep treading water until the waves subside. Don’t forget to smile.

Once the heaviness lightens then it’s back to business as usual.

Sometimes it’s easier to keep everyone at bay. But it isn’t always better.

Filed under personal thoughts

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Gonna catch two hours of shut eye.

Then wake up for an opening shift.

Then rush home after said shift so I can get ready for my friend’s sister’s wedding (turn down for what!!!).

We’ll see if we get any decent selfies squeezed in.

Filed under personal

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Faux pas of the century: trying to type up the remnants of a deeply personal and psychologically confusing dream in a draft (to peruse at a later time when you’re more fully awake and not running late for work) only to find out 12hrs later that you’d *actually* posted it on a public platform for all your followers to read.


Filed under personal ugh I can't even FML is an understatement thank God for 0 notes

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Another stop in the journey

Tryna make peace with myself.

I have to dig deeper, search harder for some sort of inner strength, a truth that I know but can’t remember.

It’s a painful journey. It hurts because you begin to realise you are not who you thought you were. That pristine image you had in your head was just an illusion. You’re looking into your metaphorical mirror and what you see is quite ugly, weak, pitiful.

You’ve read about this so-called journey, heard about it, in books, on the telly, in the movies, in music, in casual conversations over coffee.

But now you’re starting to see it. Not only see it but experience it. That wretchedness that comes with a fall. Your lowliness, the gaps - oh God, the gaps! - in your very being. The disconnect between your goals and your reality. Perhaps realising you don’t really have any solid goals to begin with. You’re kinda coasting along, not quite present in the moment, just vaguely living in the watery near-future.

It seems bleak but you know that it will pass. It has to because nothing lasts. It’s not even about good days or bad days. They are just days.

The knowledge of love is coming. Be patient. Work hard but be patient.

Filed under personal journeying