EM JAY says...

She's learning how to drown

Posts tagged personal

3 notes


Stumbling blocks are inevitable.

Do you dust yourself off and try again or do you just sit there staring at your grazed hands?

Do a bit of both: you need to acknowledge the pain and hurt. You also need to let it sink in that in all actuality, you’re ok. You. Are. O. K. Life is moving forward and you are forever in that moment of moving, growth, change.

It really isn’t the end of everything. Sure, it stings a little but that will pass. All things do. Push up and onward. It’ll fall into place before your very eyes and you will hardly believe it. It won’t be a case of ‘too good to be true’. It will simply be true. Simply be.

As for myself, I’m currently between the 3rd and 4th paragraph. I’m getting there. May Allah give me the strength to hold on to that rope because I sure keep slipping.

Tawfeeq, ya Allah!

Filed under personal perserverance past and present be present prayer

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I almost didn’t recognise his voice, deeper yet still soft with prepubescence, when Youssef picked up the phone.

I got excited, momentarily lost in wonder. “Is that really him? God, how tall he is now?”

I think back to summer days, lounging in the neighbour’s olive groves, sunlight dappling our faces. The kids running across the grass, playing tag and laughing loudly. I picture the still green leaves and the red clay walls, brown earth and clear streams.

I cannot wait to cross land and ocean, to pull up to a smoke-filled, sun-soaked entrance. To ring on the bell and have the metal door yanked open. To see beaming smiles and to cover various cheeks with frantic kisses, to tousle hair and clap backs.

It’s been three years and there’s a part of me calling home.

Filed under personal family Morocco summer holidays insha'Allah home

3 notes

The leukaemia is back.

She’s just finished a really tough round of chemo and she’s now in remission (again) but she’s waiting for another bone marrow transplant.

May Allah grant her shifa’. May Allah grant her huda’.

Filed under dua personal family

1 note

I am scared to ask for destruction. I am scared to ask for death.

My prayers were being answered, just not the way I liked. My prayers are being answered, just not the way I like.

I am the servant, rebellious, weak, afraid; I seek light like the seedling but am blinded by my own preoccupation.

He is the Master, Subtle, Loving, Apparent and Hidden.

My heart is breaking bit by bit and I wonder if, in this stone, I will find fruit. I know I must - but is it sweet?

If I care about the taste, then I am only chasing honey.

I must flee from Him, to Him, and then flee from fleeing.

Filed under personal

2 notes

His eyes

Will I be pierced by a sharp blue gaze,

Left to gasp, splutter, splash,

and then sink into the sea?

Perhaps his eyes are slate-grey,

Hard as tiles, cool and calm,

but cracked with love.

Or will his eyes hold lush verdure,

Green jungles that I crash through to drink

At a speckled pool that’s hazel-gold, full of desire.

Maybe, just maybe, your eyes’ colour will be honeyed and warm,

Like coffee, rich and smooth, like earth, or hearth, like home.

Or they will smoulder instead, intense and black,

Ready to swallow me up in our own private night.

I don’t know what colour your eyes are,

If your lashes will be dark or light, thick and full, curled or slight.

But I’m certain, almost certain, ours won’t be love at first sight.

Filed under poem personal

35 notes

Learning to Drown


the sun isn’t setting
but it is getting darker
I’m sinking into my own personal evening
the surface is sliding away
the sun falling into the distance
its long rays slipping between
the tiny anxious bubbles rushing out of my nose
and the fat oblique ones rolling from my mouth
the light making…

Learning how to drown…

Filed under personal poem amir sulaiman

6 notes

Things I would like:
- Sennheiser HD201s
- a Petit Prince themed plain paper Moleskine (A5)
- a set of Letraset fineliners
- new dhikr beads
- that Space.N.K. foundation a customer accidentally left in store last week
- lots and lots of rings, silver or gold, chunky, slim, intricate, simple, midi and thumb rings: they’re all good.
- Doc Martens
- a mid length coat
- a helix piercing
- an awesome haircut
- a full set of MAC makeup (with brushes)
- lingerie sets
- a chance to learn how to snowboard
- the entire Studio Ghibli film collection
- the entire Pixar animation film collection
- archery classes
- a new watch
- more books
- Muji pens
- driving lessons
- the chance to travel without my mum worrying
- one of those Scandinavian sweaters
- more Nike Free Runners (they’re so darn comfortable!!!!)

Things I *really* want:
- sincere duas
- that special someone
- new dhikr beads

All I need:
- Allah

Filed under personal list of materialistic (and not-so-materialistic) stuff that won't fulfil me ye just send me sincere duas those are the best gifts tbh that and new dhikr beads lol tijani ones pls yes this was a very self-centred post nafsi