EM JAY says...

She's learning how to drown

Posts tagged personal

3 notes

Another stop in the journey

Tryna make peace with myself.

I have to dig deeper, search harder for some sort of inner strength, a truth that I know but can’t remember.

It’s a painful journey. It hurts because you begin to realise you are not who you thought you were. That pristine image you had in your head was just an illusion. You’re looking into your metaphorical mirror and what you see is quite ugly, weak, pitiful.

You’ve read about this so-called journey, heard about it, in books, on the telly, in the movies, in music, in casual conversations over coffee.

But now you’re starting to see it. Not only see it but experience it. That wretchedness that comes with a fall. Your lowliness, the gaps - oh God, the gaps! - in your very being. The disconnect between your goals and your reality. Perhaps realising you don’t really have any solid goals to begin with. You’re kinda coasting along, not quite present in the moment, just vaguely living in the watery near-future.

It seems bleak but you know that it will pass. It has to because nothing lasts. It’s not even about good days or bad days. They are just days.

The knowledge of love is coming. Be patient. Work hard but be patient.

Filed under personal journeying

6 notes

I won’t lie, I was missing Marrakech when the plane hadn’t even taken off from the runway at Menara airport but I’m home now. London is home.

Strange how different places and people can fill certain holes in your heart. Alhamdulillah.

Filed under personal

2 notes

Better just to ask directly. You might not like the outcome but at least you tried.

Everyone has the right to preserve their personal space so when the answer’s No, just leave it. You do your bit and leave the rest with Allah.

There’s a bigger picture you don’t necessarily see.

Don’t fret - God has your back.

Filed under personal asking for forgiveness islah

2 notes

God have mercy on me because I know the people don’t have mercy.

God pardon me because I know the people don’t pardon.

God cover my faults because I know the people are ever ready to expose.

I tripped up, I stumbled, I fell - bit my tongue on the way down.

Help me realise the taste of blood in my mouth is the sweetest nectar.

Filed under 4 oclock rambling abject neediness personal

2 notes

That mosque was hella huge. I’ve never felt so daunted and awed by a mosque in my life (of course I haven’t gone to Hajj yet but that’s a different kind of awe). Felt more like a palace than anything.

It’s right by the sea and the interior is just as impressive. Massive dangling chandeliers, intricate geometric tiling, elaborate calligraphy, clean carpets and marble floors. It even has escalators to take the women upstairs.

It’s extremely beautiful but it also felt almost too big…

Am I sounding stupid?

Filed under personal musings still an amazing mosque though